For this round of Timeless Thoughts I am going to cover two topics. One good, and the other, not so much, and all within the same letter format. I actually hadn’t planned on participating this time around due to thinking about only negative things. However, after reading an entry by Georgie, I realised that sometimes something very good can come out of something very negative. Therefore perhaps part of this story will help someone else, just like her entry helped me. Let’s all inspire and help one another!
Letter to myself at 23
I know you’re feeling completely down right now, and very hopeless. How could you not? You have a newborn, filed from divorce from your husband, who you married far too young in the first place, and now you feel like you’ve wasted five years of your life. No matter what is going through your head, this is not the end all for you, not by a long shot. You’ve just moved back in with your alcoholic, drug addicted parents just to keep a roof over you and your daughter’s head, which you married her father to escape from in the first place. Yeah, they kick you out later on, so they’re still shitty people. Also, you’re going to drop your first name all but legally and start referring to yourself as Shanae again.
I know you feel like a failure right now, but I promise you’re doing the best you can to provide for her. It’s not going to be easy, you’ll make mistakes, but don’t worry, you still are a very good mom to her despite it all. Hang in there because you’re going to get a stupid job delivering pizzas, because you have to drop out of college(yes I know you refused to do it, but sometimes life is beyond your control)
That pizza job is where you’re going to meet a couple of really good friends, even though you’re going to get completely fucked over by someone you’ve known since high school. It’s okay though, I can tell you right now he’s not worth the tears, and you really are just lonely and confused right now. Stay away and don’t buy into his bullshit. Please.
You’re going to buy into it anyways, but it’s extremely short lived. I promise you’re going to feel unimportant and unattractive and a bunch of other negative feels as a result of dealing with this douche, but it get’s so much better from here on out. There are some really amazing points to this year. A friend you meet at your craptastic job is going to pull you out of the fire and show you there’s still plenty of live after what you’ve been through. He’s going to give you way to deal with your emotional trauma, and you need to listen. Don’t argue. I know how much you love starting shit, but don’t.(You’ll grow out of that soon as well) He really does know what he’s talking about.
Also, you’re going to start drinking yourself sick on nights your baby girl is with her dad, and you really shouldn’t do that, because one day you’re going to wake up for work still drunk and go in anyways. That’s a bad idea. You get pretty sick, and throw up on the new cook. The new cook that you’re going to marry in a couple of years. He never let’s you forget it either, but at least makes light of the situation. Actually, the day after you throw up on him, your friend invites him over to your house since your kiddo is with her dad, and those are really bad days for you still. Things go well, and for the first time in over half a year you’re having a few drinks out of enjoyment, not the feeling of becoming numb. It may not feel like it, but you’re on your own road to recovery at this point. Your mental health is still pretty bad, and you’re having a lot of trouble dealing with it, but still, you do in your own way. It’s not a healthy way by any means, but better than the suicidal thoughts running through your head. Your daughter will NOT be better off without you, so stop thinking that.
You date this guy, and things start improving for you and your kiddo, so don’t worry. Ignore the fact that he’s four years younger than you. Seriously. It’s not as big of a deal as you’re making it out to be. Stop finding excuses to talk yourself out of this relationship. You’re scared, and unsure, but really it does work out. He’s definitely your prince Charming…just the rough draft that needs fine tuning. He’s a good guy with his own troubles, but I promise despite it all you have a bright future ahead of you. You two are going to get a health scare on his part when you find out he has testicular cancer. Don’t panic! He get’s surgery and everything goes smoothly for the most part. You’re going to have a lot of negative feelings about how difficult it’s going to prove to conceive again, but don’t give up! Just hang in there, because once you turn 2(I know a long time to deal with some awful shit) things really start looking better. You’re even enrolling to finish your degree, you’re starting a new chapter in your life, and you’re making some good friends: both virtually and in your daily life. Oh and Emma is just like you, only better, so don’t worry about her. She turned 4 today and is an amazing kid! Keep your head up no matter what!
P.S. you still haven’t had another baby, but remember everything happen in it’s own time. Focus on your health, and your own mental state. Improve them first, then worry about expanding your family, not until then. There’s nothing wrong with only one child, so never forget that!