Category: Updates

New addition to our fam

Hello everyone, now that I’ve gotten school work done for the week(pre-cal is kicking my ass if I just be honest), I’ve had some time to get back to working on my blog. Finally.
A lot has happened, and I haven’t done much to allow anyone to catch up, and honestly I’ve been an awful blogger the last two months thanks to a rough patch in life.
After the craziness that was Columbus, OH and coming back to Texas, we have set up in a tiny little town called Big Lake. Literally, about 2500 people at most, so we don’t have much here. However, despite the influx of rattlesnakes, wild jackrabbits, and lack of civilization I AM rather enjoying it. We have a small little 2 bedroom house that I am working on getting some decent furniture in, slowly but surely.
David is working as a maintenance man/ranchhand for the people that own the 3300 acre property, and only a small section of it is used as an RV park. Most of the residents are oil field workers, so we don’t really have a chance to get to know anyone, but still, I cannot complain. We are making decent money, and right now are not being asked to pay rent, as we are “on call”
24/7.
It doesn’t hurt that the owners are also the sweetest people anyone could ever meet. So the pros of being way out here outweigh the cons by a million. I finally feel like I am on the right track in life! I know it might seem trivial, but as shittastic as my life has been, this is a huge stepping stone. I’ve cut out many negative people, and am beginning to realise that the quality of a friend really does outweigh the quanitity of “friends”.
Now, on to the title of my blog post today! We drove an hour to cash Davids check, and figured we would wanted around the pet store a bit since we were there anyhow getting dog food. He has been asking for a ferret for a couple of years now, and lo and behold, there was a white one! So, well, he got him and brought him home, lol. Everyone, please meet Malfoy, the white ferret.

I will be visiting all of your blogs and getting back in touch with everyone this week. I’m so sorry it took so long, but I promise I didn’t forget about any of you. =D

**Also, please bear with me as I begin setting up a domain, and changing around emails and such. Because I had to get a new phone number, gmail insists that I cannot access my emails any longer!**

The time has come…

To talk of many things:
Of shoes–and ships–and sealing-wax–
Of cabbages–and kings–
And why the sea is boiling hot–
And whether pigs have wings.

Okay, no idea where Alice Through the Looking Glass came from. Just popped into my head randomly so we’re going with it!
Well, my room is getting bare. Everything has been taken off the walls, most of my life is packed into bloxes aside form basic necessities I may need over the next couple of weeks. My car has been cleaned and vacuumed, boxes packed into that will fit, and now I am sitting with a cup of tea enjoying the silence while my daughter plays with her new Disney barbies.

Downsides

It’s beginning to hit me hard that for the first time in her life, she will be away from me frequently and for extended periods of time. Her father has joint-custody and wants her every other 6 weeks, and as of right now I have no choice but to agree. That means every 6 weeks I will be driving 10 hours to “meet in the middle” to pick her up/drop her off, then 10 hours back home. The driving doesn’t bother me really. I need to learn to become more comfortable behind the wheel of a vehicle anyhow.
However, being without her that long is going to really mess with me emotionally. I’ve spent her whole life, aside from about a year where I had no choice, being a stay at home mother. I’ve catered to her needs daily, and always been there if she was sick, hurt, or just needed mommy. Now I can still do those things, but from behind a computer or phone screen. I will video chat with her every day, but in the end, it still is not even close to the same. I cannot feel her, hug her, or give her kisses. She’s not even old enough to understand why it has to be this way.
It upsets me even more because her father is merely doing this out of spite, as when she is with him now, living in the same city, he yells at her and ignores her constantly. I don’t expect it to be any better once I leave either. As parents, it is our duty to care for our children. To love and cherish them, and to teach them how to be productive members of society once they come of age. We are to do this, no matter how we might feel about our child’s other parent. It is going to be a hell of a rough transition, but thankfully I will have everything set up for her once we move, and give her something fun and exciting to come home to. I’ve told myself to always look at he silver lining, and think about how amazing I’ll be able to make her room for when she gets to see it!

Sights To See

Aside from the worrying about Emma, I am warming up to the moving idea quickly. The more something negative or frustrating happens here, the more moving away sounds desirable. I have spent about 10 years of my life in this city, and it’s been about 7 years too long, if you ask me! Want to know what I am looking forward to the most about Columbus? A BOOKSTORE! A REAL BOOKSTORE!

Where I live currently there is very little to do, despite being a relatively decent sized city(over 100K population). Of course where I am moving to the census in 2010 said there were about 8 times that amount. I’d assume there’s about 900K-1 million people in the city as of now, possibly more. Therefore of course there is more demand for things like bookstores. Also, they have one of the highest ranking zoos/aquariums in the United States, and while I don’t particularly enjoy zoos(I always feel a bit sad for the animals) this is something Emma will love. I also read up on a few amusement parks near where I’ll be living, and they too are very highly recommended.

The city parks are what I’ll be looking forward to most after having a bookstore nearby. I love to go read in parks, and since I won’t be having to deal with 100+ degree weather any longer, I will possibly be able to actually enjoy summers! that is something I simply cannot wait for! David was completely amazing while packing up the top of the closet and found my Kindle Paperwhite that I thought was gone forever to abyss where socks disappear to. So I’m charging it and whatnot right now! I hope all of my books are still there, but if not it’s not a total loss. Most of them were classic literature books that were free on the kindle store.

Also I’ve heard the gardens are to die for they’re so beautiful. I’ll have to take some photos, because after getting some stuff unpacked, I told David probably the second or third day we’re there I want him to take me to sight see. He’s from Columbus so he should be able to help me find some really pretty places! As a plus it might help with my depression from being separated from Emma too. Not to mention I’ll already know the best places to take her once I pick her up!

Moving Headache

Well, one downside is definitely the cost associated with moving! We were going to rent a moving truck and pull my car behind, but they wanted 850 for the truck and another 150 for the toy dolly for my car. I said no thank you. Definitely not. I will not pay $1100 to move PLUS the about $600 in gas the truck would cost me. Nah, bruh, I’m good. So as silly as it sounds we are going to install a pull on my little 2013 Hyundai Accent(which surprisingly can tow up to 2000 lbs apparently o.O) and pull a small trailer with it. I really don’t ave a lot of stuff, and we wouldn’t be taking a trailer at all except the two pieces of furniture I do own are my bed and desk, which no matter how good at TETRIS I might be, it’s not fitting in my tiny car bahaha. So right now that’s the plan, and just cover the stuff on the little trailer with one of those plastic tarp things in case it rains or whatever. I’d much rather pay about $400 plus gas in my own car than around $1500-$1600 for a moving van when I don’t even really need all that space in the first place.

Have you guys ever moved as adults? If so, how did you handle everything?

Timeless Thoughts

For this round of Timeless Thoughts I am going to cover two topics. One good, and the other, not so much, and all within the same letter format. I actually hadn’t planned on participating this time around due to thinking about only negative things. However, after reading an entry by Georgie, I realised that sometimes something very good can come out of something very negative. Therefore perhaps part of this story will help someone else, just like her entry helped me. Let’s all inspire and help one another!

Letter to myself at 23

Dear Shannon,
I know you’re feeling completely down right now, and very hopeless. How could you not? You have a newborn, filed from divorce from your husband, who you married far too young in the first place, and now you feel like you’ve wasted five years of your life. No matter what is going through your head, this is not the end all for you, not by a long shot. You’ve just moved back in with your alcoholic, drug addicted parents just to keep a roof over you and your daughter’s head, which you married her father to escape from in the first place. Yeah, they kick you out later on, so they’re still shitty people. Also, you’re going to drop your first name all but legally and start referring to yourself as Shanae again.
I know you feel like a failure right now, but I promise you’re doing the best you can to provide for her. It’s not going to be easy, you’ll make mistakes, but don’t worry, you still are a very good mom to her despite it all. Hang in there because you’re going to get a stupid job delivering pizzas, because you have to drop out of college(yes I know you refused to do it, but sometimes life is beyond your control)
That pizza job is where you’re going to meet a couple of really good friends, even though you’re going to get completely fucked over by someone you’ve known since high school. It’s okay though, I can tell you right now he’s not worth the tears, and you really are just lonely and confused right now. Stay away and don’t buy into his bullshit. Please.

You’re going to buy into it anyways, but it’s extremely short lived. I promise you’re going to feel unimportant and unattractive and a bunch of other negative feels as a result of dealing with this douche, but it get’s so much better from here on out. There are some really amazing points to this year. A friend you meet at your craptastic job is going to pull you out of the fire and show you there’s still plenty of live after what you’ve been through. He’s going to give you way to deal with your emotional trauma, and you need to listen. Don’t argue. I know how much you love starting shit, but don’t.(You’ll grow out of that soon as well) He really does know what he’s talking about.

Also, you’re going to start drinking yourself sick on nights your baby girl is with her dad, and you really shouldn’t do that, because one day you’re going to wake up for work still drunk and go in anyways. That’s a bad idea. You get pretty sick, and throw up on the new cook. The new cook that you’re going to marry in a couple of years. He never let’s you forget it either, but at least makes light of the situation. Actually, the day after you throw up on him, your friend invites him over to your house since your kiddo is with her dad, and those are really bad days for you still. Things go well, and for the first time in over half a year you’re having a few drinks out of enjoyment, not the feeling of becoming numb. It may not feel like it, but you’re on your own road to recovery at this point. Your mental health is still pretty bad, and you’re having a lot of trouble dealing with it, but still, you do in your own way. It’s not a healthy way by any means, but better than the suicidal thoughts running through your head. Your daughter will NOT be better off without you, so stop thinking that.

You date this guy, and things start improving for you and your kiddo, so don’t worry. Ignore the fact that he’s four years younger than you. Seriously. It’s not as big of a deal as you’re making it out to be. Stop finding excuses to talk yourself out of this relationship. You’re scared, and unsure, but really it does work out. He’s definitely your prince Charming…just the rough draft that needs fine tuning. He’s a good guy with his own troubles, but I promise despite it all you have a bright future ahead of you. You two are going to get a health scare on his part when you find out he has testicular cancer. Don’t panic! He get’s surgery and everything goes smoothly for the most part. You’re going to have a lot of negative feelings about how difficult it’s going to prove to conceive again, but don’t give up! Just hang in there, because once you turn 2(I know a long time to deal with some awful shit) things really start looking better. You’re even enrolling to finish your degree, you’re starting a new chapter in your life, and you’re making some good friends: both virtually and in your daily life. Oh and Emma is just like you, only better, so don’t worry about her. She turned 4 today and is an amazing kid! Keep your head up no matter what!

-Shanae

P.S. you still haven’t had another baby, but remember everything happen in it’s own time. Focus on your health, and your own mental state. Improve them first, then worry about expanding your family, not until then. There’s nothing wrong with only one child, so never forget that!

Let’s Review: January 2017

I can honestly say that so far, the year hasn’t done me too wrong. I’ve actually stuck to some positive changes I have been telling myself to make for about three years now. We are supposed to be moving across the country to Ohio at the end of March. I’ve never been there, but it’s where David, my husband, is from. Though he promises me I’ll love it, and it is the fresh start in life I need, I am still very worried. I also tend to worry far more than I should.

My biggest issue I need to overcome is my depression. I suffer from severe depression and bi-polar disorder, and some days it’s debilitating. I have a horrible time dealing with my self-esteem issues as well as how I feel about life in general, and I’ve resolved to change that. Chemical imbalances in my brain or not, if I look at everything in a more positive light, I think it would make a major difference.

I’ve also been reading a bit more, and practicing my art skills. I realize I stopped drawing and writing, and that may be why I feel so down. I basically just stopped doing everything I loved doing. Time for that to stop. I basically gave myself what I like to call a “Come to Jesus” meeting where I told myself enough is enough with the pity part. I got a shit luck of the draw in life, so what? A lot of people do, and they don’t let it stop them, so why am I? I told David all of this, and how I’d been feeling, and that’s when he called his dad in Columbus(OH) and his dad offered to help us start a life there, including trying to get David on at his job. That would mean health insurance(right now I have none) so I can properly treat my mental issues, as well as decent pay. I don’t want to leave, because I am a creature of habit, however even I agree it’s what is best.

One good thing that happened to me this month is that I filed my taxes, and even managed to lose about 4 more pounds! So at least it’s a step in the right direction! That did make me feel better about myself, honestly. I’m learning to take small victories and see the silver lining in everything that happens, weather good or bad.

 

Recap taken from my lovely Georgie:

This past month, I learned:

  • It’s okay to fail sometimes
  • Not everything will always go as planned
  • Power through the bad
  • See the good in everything

This past month, I got bored of:

  • Being down all the time
  • Watching TV
  • My animals shedding

But that’s OK, because I enjoyed:

  • Spending more time with my daughter
  • Starting a new novella
  • Beginning to blog again and making new friends as a result

Today, something that made me happy was:

Being able to wake up at a decent hour, and enjoy some part of the day so far. Also, beginning to declutter and get rid of things that I no longer need nor care about.

Today, something I could have done better was:

Not start my day off immediately worrying about things I cannot change today.

Tomorrow, I’m going to:

Make a conscious effort to continue throwing out things of no importance, as well as smile more!

Next month, I’m looking forward to:

  • Getting a haircut
  • Weighing myself(and hopefully it’s smaller, otherwise I won’t be looking forward to it😆
  • Beginning to pack up items I can live a few weeks without

Next month, I’m going to make the positive change of:

  • Being more organized
  • Reading two books I”ve never read(weather it be a new novel or manga)
  • Cooking more home-cooked meals

One thing on my to-do list is:

Adding more content to my blog, and making it how I’d like it to be. I not only want to provide things for others, but also really make this little space on the web my own. I don’t plan on playing the “conforming” game, so I need to find out what works best for me, and do it. I’ve also been commenting on other blogs more, because what’s the point in having my own space if I don’t have friends to share it with, right?

One happy photo from this month is:


The day after my birthday, I had to get out at like, 7am to run an errand. My husband decided to go with me, as it still hadn’t gone to bed(he works late night shifts) Well after an errand I said I’d like to go home and get some toast or something. Instead, he surprised me with stopping at my favourite burrito place down the street. He said he knows I will really miss to handmade hispanic food here, and so I should enjoy it while I can. He worked on my birthday, so I’m very happy we got to spend some quality time together! Also I ate two guiso and cheese burritos and was so fully I didn’t eat again until dinner o.O

If I had to write a book or record a film about this past month, I would call it:

Finding Shanae (not a fish story, sorry)

After I post this, I’m going to:

Go make myself something to eat, and brush my hair and wash my face.

 

Questions

  • Did you have any accomplishments for January 2017?
  • Any major goals you have for February?
  • I’m looking at getting a new laptop. PC or MAC? And why? Also, what make/model do you prefer?